George Lucas Is Still An Ewok

This likely has something to do with my massive ego, but I constantly find myself in the middle of conversations with friends thinking how funny or insightful I am. "Damn, I'm hilarious," I'll say to them. "That joke I just made about your alcohol addiction -- that was pure gold." Perhaps that's why I blog. I'd like to believe that I entertain other people as much as I entertain myself and the increasing popularity of I, Doughtbot appears to confirm this supposition. I wonder, though, what keeps people coming back. Is my political commentary the big draw? Or is it that people enjoy reading about the minutiae of my daily life? The truth is, I enjoy writing about a myriad of topics and prefer to maintain a potpourri of posts. Still, if you feel the site could use more focus, feel free to let me know.

And now for the minutiae.

I had a great weekend. On Friday I went to Varsity Cinemas for the final installment of Star Wars. The dizzying space battle that opens the movie was itself worth my hard-earned $13.95 and the final half-hour was perhaps the finest of the series. Though I still feel Lucas uses CGI as a crutch, the latest tech out of ILM has finally advanced to the point where it can carry his load. Unfortunately, no render farm can save the film from a Natalie Portman performance that would barely pass muster in a fan film, or the interminably wooden acting of Hayden Christensen. This may seem extreme, but Christensen's acting is so poor that I would have preferred to see Anakin recast rather than have this actor kept around simply for the sake of continuity. Despite these complaints, Episode III will certainly find its way into my DVD collection, right next to my IV-VI box set, though I'm afraid there's no room for I or II.

On Saturday, my dad and I drove into the city for Doors Open Toronto. Each summer, more than 100 buildings of historic, cultural and architectural significance are opened for viewing by the public. Admission is free. The event runs only two days, making it impossible to see everything, but we managed to visit the CBC, Osgoode Hall and Old City Hall. By far, Osgoode Hall was the most rewarding visit. The courtrooms there are tiny, but opulent and lavishly appointed. We also caught a glimpse of the Benchers' Quarters, an area of the building reserved for Law Society governors to meet, dine and set the policy for my future profession. Most impressive, however, was The Great Library. The library's American Room, where American reporters are kept, is characterized by skillful woodwork and a gorgeous wrought iron spiral staircase leading to the upper stacks. The space is warm and quiet and each shelf visibly sags under the weight of a dozen heavy volumes. The Main Reading Room is much larger and more imposing, but equally beautiful. I can only imagine the privilege of reading and writing surrounded by almost 150 years of history. Our school's library has about as much architectural interest as a McDonald's drive-thru, by comparison.

That's it for me today. Again, feel free to comment on this or any other post that interests you. Also, don't forget to "Rate This Blog" in the sidebar to your right.

XXX-Ray Glasses

Would you still fly if you were stripped down and searched before each flight? The Transportation Safety Administration is betting that you'll let Rapiscan backscatter you bare before getting on a plane, all in the name of national security. The company's SECURE 1000 allows airport screeners to see beneath a person's clothing by measuring the reflection (or backscatter) of a narrow, low-energy X-ray beam aimed at the body. In addition to revealing concealed metallic and non-metallic weapons hidden under clothing, the SECURE 1000 will also provide screeners with a clear outline of passengers' genitals. Now, I'm no prude when it comes to my meat and potatoes. They sure do like an audience. I'm a bit of a freak, however, and I imagine most people would find a strip search without cause an affront to their human dignity.

I know for a fact that there are those out there who would gladly drop their panties, bend over and grab their ankles if someone told them it would keep 'the A-rabs' from crashing airplanes full of school children into veteran’s hospitals, or whatever. This perplexes me. Where do they draw the line? Is there a line for these people? Or will they continue to relinquish their freedoms and liberty each time Homeland Security bumps up the threat level? My friends south of the border need to stop sleepwalking into a surveillance state before they wake up to discover a nation telescreened by their own general apathy.

Pardon the rant.

Does feeling sorry for poor Schapelle Corby and feeling my stomach wrench as I watched her sentencing on television (Windows Media Player required) make me a bleeding-heart Liberal? If so, so be it. This 27-year-old Australian beauty school student was sentenced today to 20 years in an Indonesian prison for attempting to smuggle marijuana out of the country. It was difficult to watch her try to weakly convince her mother that it was going to be "ok" before being taken by police back to the dusty cell she shares with seven other women. It is a relief to all, however, that she escaped the firing squad. When I or others indignantly declare that such treatment is unfair, inhumane or barbaric, are we simply suffering from cultural myopia? It is a principle of fundamental justice that the punishment fit the crime, however, isn't judging that proportionality itself a subjective exercise? I don't have answers to these questions, but I continue to ponder.

Blogger's Fatigue Sets In

Sorry folks, no post tonight. I'll talk to you all this weekend.

Rally Update

I've spent some time editing and updating yesterday's story on the marriage rally and have added links to pictures I took that afternoon.

Convergence On Queen's Park

Monday was a big day for I, Doughbot. I was on the ground and in the field for a large rally held at Toronto's Queen's Park in 'defence' of 'traditional' marriage. Bill C-38, otherwise known as the Civil Marriage Act, has passed second ready and been sent to committee. After last week's budget scare, it appears that the legislation once again has a real chance of passing.

This was my first protest and, at least initially, I couldn't help but feel out of place. Wearing a pair of cargos, I wandered the crowd with a pen stuck behind my ear, a camera in my hand and a tape recorder in my pocket. It was hard not to feel small each time I ran into a major media outlet -- OMNI, CTV and the CBC were all there. In the beginning, I found it difficult to approach people without a camera crew or boom mike to help establish an air of legitimacy, but the crowd accepted me as just another journalist and were eager to answer my questions.

A large stage had been erected near the entrance to the legislature, flanked by a booming public address system that carried speeches and music out of the park and into the city. The police were there, in force, separating the sea of 3,000 demonstrators from a small group of perhaps 60 counter-protestors. Later in the day I discovered a group of mounted riot police around the side of the legislature building and just out of sight of the rally, ready in case the passion of either side erupted in violence.

There were people of all ages in the crowd, but more adults and seniors than young people. Accompanied by their parents, some children cheered and held placards, however, most of the kids quickly grew bored and snuck off to play cards or read a book. Much was made by various speakers of the crowd's demographics. Rev. Tristan Emmanuel, the rally's organizer and a powerful and charismatic speaker, asked us to consider the optics of a rally where Sikhs, Muslims, Jews and Christians, all gathered together at the doorstep of the provincial legislature to protest same-sex marriage. Upon such consideration, however, I quickly realized that there were no visible Sikhs or Muslims in attendance. The crowd was almost entirely white and Chinese and it was undeniably Christian.

Such misrepresentation was the theme of the day. One speaker claimed that two thirds of Canadians oppose same-sex marriage when most polls show Canadians are evenly split on the issue. Another referred to the recent Supreme Court reference as the court's "final word" on the issue of same-sex marriage. The reality is that the Supreme Court has yet to rule on whether the current definition of marriage is constitutional. Perhaps most frustrating was how, time and again, speakers made appeals to tradition in asserting their position -- a common logical fallacy. Mark, a counter-protestor who said he had come to Queen's Park in support of equality, noted, "I don't hear very many concrete arguments, unfortunately. All I want to know is how gay marriage affects these people’s lives. Hopefully, someone can explain it to me."

I too was looking for an explanation. What drove these people to give up part of their long weekend and travel, sometimes for hours, to protest the marriages of people they've never met? Darren, the first person I met at the rally, said that Christianity plays a big role in his support for 'traditional' marriage. He was there "to defend one man, one woman" and to support his brother, who was speaking that day. 17-year-old Krista and 18-year-old Cassandra described their primary motivation for attending as their belief in the "biblical view of one man and one woman". They were there to defend marriage "because God set it that way". Steve, who had come in from Kitchener, was protesting because he believes same-sex marriage is "unbiblical" and won't help a country "founded on the biblical stance of marriage". He came the closest to offering a concrete explanation for how Bill C-38 might affect his life. "For my children," he said, "there's the issue of other kids at school having two moms and two dads."

At least one speaker crossed the line when he began attacking homosexuals directly. Tony Copple, of The Anglican Gathering of Ottawa, asked why there was so little opposition in Parliament to the pending same-sex marriage legislation. "Perhaps many people don't know what is the nature of sex acts between homosexuals," he suggested. "Our bodies were designed for heterosexual sex, just look at them! And while I do appreciate that 2% of the population prefer less savory alternatives, to legitimize and sanctify their unions by calling them marriage is an act of sabotage against all of us."

The rally wound down a little after 2 p.m. and the park began to clear. Streams of people exited as the counter-protestors chanted and waved goodbye from across the police line. As people left they were approached by marshal’s with large plastic buckets collecting donations for the cause. This is the money they hope will propel their movement forward and eventually allow them to exert enough pressure on MPs to force them to kill the bill. The same strategy has proven immensely effective in the U.S. and is being purposely exported by large American conservative and religious organizations.

Once the crowd had cleared, I ventured back to the stage where a group of black evangelicals had congregated and subsequently worked themselves into a trance. I found Mark and his friend Amanda there too. Amanda held a small rainbow flag high above her head as she and Mark quietly debated with a man holding one of the many "Defend Marriage" placards that still littered the park. It seems that, despite the raw emotions and animosity I witnessed that day, these people were still willing to come together for the purpose of understanding.

A Smoking Gun?

Five days ago I wrote briefly about Conservative MP Gurmant Grewal, who is alleging that the Liberals approached him prior to the budget vote and offered him perks in exchange for his support in the House. Grewal claimed that he had tape-recorded the conversation, however, I was skeptical since the tape had not been released to either the media or the RCMP at the time. It looks like I was way off on this one. The tape does indeed exist and The Globe & Mail has published a transcript of Grewal's conversation with Tim Murphy, the Prime Minister's chief of staff.

The recording can certainly be construed to support Grewal's allegations. The exact context of the conversation remains a mystery, however, since the Conservatives refuse to release the entire recording and most of what Grewal says is unintelligible. Pay special attention to the final few lines of the transcript, as they deal with who approached whom. Neither wants to be seen as approaching the other, since it is in bad taste to treat party allegiance as a commodity that can be bought or sold. It's also illegal.

The transcript follows:

Murphy: [unintelligible] ...best for you and best for us, in a way that allows everybody to feel comfortable, and also allows everybody to feel principled, and I think to be principled. Both.

So, I was kind of thinking about that and I talked to Ujjal last night and again this morning, just before I came, which is why I was a few minutes late.

I apologize.

Grewal: That's OK.

Murphy: What I think... what might be the easiest thing to do, and see what you think about this, because we have the vote tomorrow night, and if the government doesn't fall, it's not the only vote we may have to face.

My guess is that when you look at issues like supply, final votes on the budget, opposition days, there could be as many as eight votes between now and the end of the session which could bring the government down, right?

Obviously, each one of them will be a nail-biter right to the end, and obviously, the two votes that you and your wife represent are the way the House is made up now, matter a lot, or can matter.

There are, just to be honest, as I think I told you yesterday. There are other members of your current caucus who are facing the same dilemma that you face, and are musing, so —

Grewal: [unintelligible] many?

Murphy: I don't want to, in the he same way I don't want to do anything that, I don't want to—

Grewal: [unintelligible]

Murphy: If I'm to honour your trust, I have to honour others.

Grewal: Definitely.

Murphy: So, I hope you don't take that wrongly.

Grewal: Absolutely not.

Murphy: So I think the way to make it work, and the way that allows us the freedom—as you can tell. Right? Just to be blunt, right?

I think it's a bad idea, truthfully, to have any kind of commitment that involves an explicit trade. Because I think anything that [unintelligible].

I don't think it's good if anybody lies. So if anybody asks the question well, was there a deal, you say, 'No.'

You want that to be the truth. And so that's what I want, is the truth to be told.

Secondly, though, I mean obviously it's an important decision for you and your wife and I understand that you want to ensure that you can continue to contribute. Both of you. So, I understand that.

And, as I said, people who make decisions like this in a principled way are people who ought to and deserve to continue to contribute.

So how do we square that circle?

Grewal: Okay.

Murphy: So one of the proposals I have is this, that, tomorrow's vote is, let me phrase it in the abstract.

If two members of the Conservative Party abstain from that vote... don't vote against their own party, right? Don't have to.

But equally don't vote to bring it down tomorrow night on the two/ I think there's two key votes.

And that can be done on the basis... those members can do it, on the basis, well, you know.

Look, my riding doesn't want an election. Doesn't want one now. Thinks it's the wrong time to do it.

But equally, you know, to vote the opposite way is to vote against the party I'm a member of, the leader of the party, and I'm not prepared to do that.

But I don't think an election's the right thing — I don't want to say that won't create some...

[interjection by Grewal, unintelligible]

... some flak, but it keeps freedom, right? Allows someone to go back home in the right circumstance and it also allows someone an opportunity, right?

So if there is an abstention. If someone then, though, in my view, if someone then abstains in that environment, who has exercised a decision based on principle, it still gives the freedom to have negotiating room.

On both sides. Both going back home — then it's actually the freedom to have discussion is increased if someone has made a decision that doesn't preclude any options based on principle.

Then you can come and say, "Well look..." — then you can have an explicit discussion. And then in that environment, you know, a person can say, "Look, I obviously abstained, and that created some issues, and now I'm thinking hard about."

You can say, "I'm thinking hard about what's the right thing for my riding and the contribution that I could like to make."

Then we can have a discussion that welcomes someone to the party. And then in that environment we know if those two votes continue to vote, either the one vote switches, or one switches and one abstains, or both abstain, from now until the end of the session the government will survive, right?

We know that. And then we get through to the end of the session, right?,

And then, if one person wants to switch and make the contribution, then that makes a lot of sense.

If the other wants to switch and then serve until an election, or some time in advance of that, and then... and then... and then... you know, something would look to be done to ensure that that person...

Grewal: Oh shit.

(It appears that Grewal's BlackBerry goes off, and the conversation is briefly interrupted.)

Murphy: That's quite all right. These things go off all the time.

Grewal: I have it switched off.

Murphy: All of which is to say, that in advance of that, explicit discussions about Senate. Not Senate. I don't think are very helpful, and I don't think frankly can be had, in advance of an abstention tomorrow.

And then we'll have much more detailed and finely hued discussions after that with some freedom.

And I think what that allows is negotiating room for you, in either direction.

You can easily, say, "Look. Yeah, you know, if you don't like it, you can stay home, stay back with... where you are. And if you do like, we can make an arrangement that allows you to move.

Now look, I don't expect, you to react to that right now. Think about it. Please talk to Ujjal.

Ujjal knows this is the discussion I'm having with you. Please feel free, and say, you know, he knows. And then, if that proposal is of some interest to you, then I will talk to Volpe and get something happening.

(Pause. Grewal starts to speak. Murphy interrupts.)

Well, I have talked to Volpe, already. So —

Grewal: Is he manageable?

Murphy: Yes.

Grewal: What happens is…..[unintelligible] you know how we came together. There are some common friends. He approached me. [unintelligible]

Murphy: No, it's a bit... it's the same. I understand. Sorry.

Please accept, I understand completely.

It's much like Belinda, where there is a third party who is independent of both sides. You didn't approach, we didn't approach.

Grewal: They did approach me.

Murphy: The independent party played the role, like we didn't approach, you didn't approach.

Grewal: [unintelligible] End of tape

Dy-no-mite!

Learn to dance with Napoleon Dynamite (Flash required).

George Lucas Is An Ewok

The final installment of Star Wars hit the megaplexes Thursday, but I've yet to decide whether it's deserving of my hard-earned coin. I despise George Lucas for shamelessly exploiting his own franchise with The Phantom Menace and then failing to recover with Attack of the Clones. Episode I was nothing more than a 133 minute long 'Wal-Mart safe' video game. After Jar Jar Binks, Lucas' next biggest mistake was to forsake miniatures in favour of Computer Generated Images (CGI). 1995's Toy Story successfully showcased CGI, but that was a cartoon. Despite the fact that Episode I was released four years later, the technology had yet to reach a stage where it could carry an entire live-action movie.

Compare Episode I to Starship Troopers, which was released two years earlier. Starship Troopers relied almost entirely on miniatures and as a result the movie still shows well eight years later. By the time Peter Jackson began work on The Lord of the Rings, CGI had finally matured. Still, Jackson decided to make heavy use of miniatures, though his were so large and detailed that the term "bigatures" was used instead. When a miniature wouldn't do, Jackson often built full-size sets (such as was done for Hobbiton and the Rohan city of Edoras). This is how epic films should be made.

It's clear that Lucas sold out with Episode I. Episode II was slightly darker, but Jar Jar was cast again in a continued attempt by Lucas to reel in a new generation of Star Wars fans. I made a promise to myself that I would no longer feed the Lucasfilm machine. After seeing various trailers for Episode III, however, chinks in my armour are starting to appear. The CGI looks fantastic and both the characters and story seem more mature. If you've had a chance to see it, leave a comment and let me know if you think it's really worth my $9.95.

To continue my Skywalkeresque streak of complaints (.WAV soundfile), let me spend some time cutting up Molly Bloom's. I implore you, when next you visit London, skip Molly's and hit the Frog instead. Unless you're forty-something and still own a stonewashed jean jacket, that is. The music was terrible. DJ CD Changer mostly spun classic rock (Guns & Roses) and country (John Mellencamp) and most of the members of the live band didn't look like they had too much longer to live. What scares me most is that I seemed to be the only one of my friends who didn't enjoy it.

What I am enjoying is my summer vacation. I'm jobless with no responsibilities and will remain so until I return to the bank in June. Sometimes I feel guilty for not working, but then I just pour myself another margarita.

To finish, I'd like to announce that I've opened up I, Doughbot to guest bloggers. You may see posts from these people within the next week or two.

What Now?

The Final Count
Yes: 153
No:  152

What now? Paul Martin has called for "a renewed effort to make this Parliament work for the people of Canada" to which Stephen Harper replied only that he will "provide Her Majesty with a loyal opposition and a potential replacement to the government". In a sign that calm may finally be settling over Parliament Hill, Harper has suggested that he will not continue to test the government before the House breaks for the summer. Still, the House appeared as split as ever when the final results were announced, with the Conservative/Bloc coalition quiet and motionless on one side while the Liberal/NDP alliance stood for a standing ovation. It is hard to imagine these two groups coming together to accomplish anything at any time in the near future.

The Government Stands

Chuck Cadman has voted with the Liberals. The budget passes and the government stands.

Budget Update

The federal budget vote is 20 minutes away. Coverage has already begun on CBC Newsworld (channel 26 in London). Remember, there will be two votes -- one on the general budget and one on the NDP amendment. The second vote is the one to watch.

Judgment Day On The Hill

If you've become bored with the manufactured drama and plastic characters of prime-time television then switch the dial over to the CBC and start following national politics. The most sensational and gripping news stories in Canada are currently set on Parliament Hill.

As I previously mentioned, a high-profile Conservative MP crossed the floor to join the Liberal party yesterday, leaving behind a shocked and visibly shaken Peter MacKay. Her party, caught completely off-guard, lashed out with the lowest vitriol yet heard on the hill. Alberta Conservative Tony Abbott referred to Stronach as a whore, though he later apologized. Saskatchewan Conservative MP Maurice Vellacott called her a prostitute and has refused to retract this remark. Apparently, such language is acceptable to Vellacott since he believes in "equality" and would use similar language to describe male "turncoats" such as Scott Brison and Keith Martin.

The drama continued to build today when Liberal MP Jim Karygiannis began clutching at his heart during question period. He was eventually taken by ambulance to hospital where his pain was diagnosed as simple heartburn. If he had been forced to miss the budget vote tomorrow (also a confidence motion), his absence would have virtually assured the dissolution of Parliament.

Adding a hint of Watergate to the sponsorship scandal was Conservative MP Gurmant Grewal's claim that he has an audio recording of Liberal Health Minister Ujjal Dosanjh offering him an ambassadorship or Senate seat for his wife if he would agree to break ranks and support the Liberal budget. Such a recording, if it existed would devastate the Liberal party and ruin Paul Martin. The tape has yet to be released to the media, however, meaning the allegation is likely untrue. In fact, according to Dosanjh, it was Grewal who approached the Liberals demanding perks in exchange for his allegiance.

The third act plays out tomorrow at 5:30 p.m., less than 24 hours from now, when the House votes on the proposed federal budget. If the budget fails to pass then the government will fall and Canadians will be faced with an election under a scorching June sun. Following Stronach's defection, the unholy Conservative/Bloc coalition now has 152 votes while the Liberal/NDP alliance has 151. There are three Independent MPs. Carolyn Parish has announced that she will vote with the Liberals. David Kilgour and Chuck Cadman are leaning towards defeating and supporting the government, respectively. The result is a perfect tie, broken only when the Speaker of the House (a Liberal) casts his vote. Thus, as things now stand, the budget is set to pass, though everything could change in the next 12 hours.

Why am I content to see a scandal-plagued government with little moral authority to govern stay in power? My support for the Liberal's is all about money. More specifically, spending promises. These include:

• $5.7 billion over five years to Ontario (though not all of this is new money)
• $5.0 billion over five years as part of the national child care initiative to which Ontario, Manitoba and Saskatchewan have already signed on
• $4.6 billion in new social program spending over the next two years
• $2.6 billion over eight years to Newfoundland and Labrador as part of the Atlantic Accord
• $477 million over five years to Alberta
• $300 million over five years to Saskatchewan

In addition to this, today the Liberals put $750,000 into a sponsorship trust fund. These transfers are long overdue, though I realize that they were largely politically motivated.

Finally, and most importantly, if the budget does win the approval of the House, then our government may actually return to the business of running the country. This includes, for God's sake, finally passing same-sex marriage legislation and ending a sad period of state-sanctioned discrimination. Unfortunately, if I'm wrong and the government does collapse tomorrow, then this legislation will die with it.

So do yourself a favour and tune into CPAC tomorrow (channel 65 in London) or watch the vote live over the Internet. Ever see a European soccer riot? It's going to be that exciting. Bottles will be broken and things will be set on fire. Seriously. I promise.

You've Got Herpes

Last week a bunch of my law school friends and I ventured out to Joe Kool's in London and, as is prone to happen on such occasions, the topic eventually turned to sexually transmitted diseases. I wasn't even drunk, but I blurted out (as I'm prone to do, usually in a bid for attention) that 70% of all Canadians have herpes (HSV). My friend, who incidentally has a Masters in biology, was immediately skeptical. I promised that I would dig up some statistics and post them as proof. If you don't want to have herpes, then stop reading now.

According to a recent study published in the Journal of Clinical Microbiology:

...by the age of 15 to 16, up to 55% of the Ontario population had antibodies to HSV-1 [oral herpes] and that seroprevalence increased to 89% among individuals in their early forties.

Don't get cold sores? You may be one of the many infected with HSV who are entirely asymptomatic. In fact, by the time they are adults, only 5% of people are bothered enough to consider oral herpes a medical problem. Whatsmore, more than 75% of people with genital herpes (1 in 5 of those over forty) show no symptoms.

I win Michelle. A steak dinner and pair of Paul Anka tickets will do.

When I'm not making disease-related bets I'm talking smack about someone's mama during a game of Monopoly. I know, I party like a rock star. I was officially crowned All-Time Grand Monopoly Overlord last Friday after crushing my two opponent's like the Monopoly players of low aptitude that they are. For posterity's sake and because I'm a jerk I had us tally our assets to be printed here.

Name	Cash	Assets	Total
Justin	$208	$1060	$1268
Lessa	$837	$1510	$2347
All-Time Grand Monopoly Overlord	$1152	$5290	$6442

I'm confident that once Belinda Stronach sees these numbers she'll drop Peter MacKay (RealPlayer required) like a sack o' potatoes and come calling. Incidentally, I'm ecstatic that she crossed the floor today. From the beginning I've been partial to Stronach and her ability to separate social and fiscal conservatism, also known as 'bad' and 'barely acceptable' conservatism, respectively. Also, she's hot.

It's getting late and I need to sign off. I hope to be posting daily for the next week or so. Remember, I enjoy reading your feedback. Also, please 'Rate This Blog' if you haven't already done so.

From Tension To Depression To Contentment

End-of-year marks were finally posted on Monday. My grades weren't as good as I was expecting. I didn't fail any courses (only two Fs were handed out this year) but my performance was below average. My good ol' reactive depression kicked in on cue and stuck around until I spoke to an upper-year who helped me put things into perspective. The good news is that, as long as I kick it into high gear next year, I won't end up sitting at home all day watching 'my stories' with old appliances littered across my front lawn. The depression has passed. That was quick.

Manufacturing Tension

Grades have been delayed.

I Have Something Horribly Entertaining To Tell You

245481294: I think the girl I slept with last night stole my left shoe. I wish I had asked her what her name was.

282019071: most people that know me know that i was aquitted of murder because i succesfully used a self-defense case.... it wasnt self-defense, it was premediatated and planned and i dont miss that fucker at all.. in fact, if i could do it again - I would.

240752663: I secretly want Eminem and Elijah Wood to fall in love with each other and for them to have the awful luck of having their sex tape stolen and for it to leak... it'd be so hot!

237755332: goddamn, i wanna kill everyone. please help me.

The above is a small sample of the almost continuous stream of anonymous confessions being submitted to grouphug.us. The confessions range from tongue-in-cheek to so very disturbing. The site has its voyeuristic appeal and it also gives me comfort to know that most people are as screwed up as I am. 'Stoned, Naked, and Looking in My Neighbor's Window' is a compilation of some of the best of the site's more than 250,000 submissions.

One of my best friends is in love with John Mayer. He maintains that his love stems from that pretty (so very, very pretty) boy's skill with a pick. To prove that there is more to their relationship than musical ability, I challenge him to develop the same warm and tingly feelings for this guy (QuickTime required).

Did you know that bands could make good music without signing onto a record label? It's true. Garageband.com is a massive repository of independent music with an impressive search function that allows you to find bands that sound like or are influenced by artists you already love. Great artists I've discovered through Garageband include H.A.D. (check out 'Carpool'), Considerable Jesus ('She Sighs' is awesome) and Peter Adams (and I just spent a paragraph ripping John Mayer). The site lets you stream songs online and download many of the tracks.

Animal lover? Meet Toby and his hungry, hungry owner.

I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I receive 50,000$ USD into my account from donations or purchase of merchandise.

-- Savetoby.com

I think that about wraps things up for today. I hope you enjoy your weekend. There will be no new posts for a couple of days as my sister is pregnant and baby will meet world anytime now. Remember, comments are always appreciated and don't forget to rate this blog (see "Rate This Blog" in the sidebar to your right).

(Don't) Put It In Your Mouth

I still have so many questions. What exactly is "it" (QuickTime required) and why aren't we supposed to put it in our mouths? What's your yapper for if not to put things in.

I had a play date with my baby niece this afternoon at the park. She's here right now, in fact, and she says hello. I'm always nervous that she'll get picked on by the older kids, but they are actually pretty accommodating. My niece isn't old enough to participate in their games, but they are nice to her and give her some space. When I got home, the worst kind of e-mail had found it's way to my inbox. One of my best friends had lost his mother to cancer. I can't imagine what he's going through and when I try it only makes me tear up. I'm grateful that I've never been to a funeral or had to face death in any form, but I feel I'll be wholly unprepared when death does hit closer to home.

The other shoe will drop this Friday when Western Law posts our end-of-year marks. First-year marks are the most important set and significantly define a student's career prospects. I'll let you know how things turn out.

Need to kill some time? Let me help. First, spend hours watching these counters tick off global HIV infections, lightning strikes, and bicycles produced. Then visit this site to make your own church sign. It's a religious experience.

Possible Liver Damage

What a bender. I had an incredible weekend with two of my old friends from the U.S. Those yanks really know how to party. The highlight of the weekend had to be the after-hours party we made our way to Saturday night after the bars closed. I had never been to an after-hours party before and was unaware that people in Toronto were awake at 5:00 a.m. I was under the perhaps naive impression that the city shut down and went to sleep soon after last call until I found that non-descript basement door at back of an unassuming building in the business district. Note to self: Gorgeous people stay up late. The debauchery was cut short by the heavy hand of the law when the Canadian version of these guys arrived. Note to readers: Keeping your hands above your head is tiring. I don't know how criminals do it. Thankfully, after they arrested who they needed to, we were ushered out on to the street, this time with our hands down by our sides, most likely so the police could avoid the negative press.

On Sunday, to temper all of the excitement of the previous evening, we sunk into the comfortable seats of a local megaplex and endured 2-1/2 hours of piss-poor acting. Kingdom of Heaven (QuickTime required) is masterful when it comes to the use of computer-generated visual effects, but ultimately crumbles like the walls of Jericho under the weight of script problems and the inability of Orlando Bloom to carry a film. The only emotion we see from the otherwise stoic lead is when Bloom is being used as a mouthpiece for Ridley Scott to announce his personal political and religious ideologies to the world.

How do the last 72 hours of excess fit into my obsession with becoming fit? I'm joining a gym that promises I can eat anything I want and still remain fit. The secret to success is unrelenting and dehumanizing physical abuse (Windows Media Player required). In all seriousness, my plan is to start with cardio and eat healthier. Failing that, I'll just strap on a thong and dance the fat away (QuickTime required) in my own kitchen.

Last week I wrote about The Project for the New American Century and implied that American forgein policy is now driven by desperation and necessity. Specifically, the United States seeks to minimize the impact of a future peak oil crisis (see also The Association for the Study of Peak Oil & Gas). Peak oil

...predicts that future world oil production will soon reach a peak and then rapidly decline. The actual peak year will only be known after it has passed. Even a benign scenario with a slow rate of depletion and a smooth transition to alternative energy sources may well cause great economic hardship such as a [global] recession or depression due to higher energy prices.

Responses to peak oil range from complete denial (by the U.S. Geological Survey, for example) to predictions of the 'end of civilization as we know it.' In between are those who predict a far less catastrophic, but fundamental and irrevocable change in our quality of life (QuickTime required).

The U.S. is attempting to proactively meet the peak oil challenge via a sustained campaign to achieve total military domination (QuickTime required). Charles H. Featherstone, a D.C. journalist specializing in energy, the Middle East and Islam characterizes U.S. foreign policy in the context of peak oil as follows:

[T]here is an oil component to the invasion and occupation [of Iraq], and I believe it is this: the United States, through invading and occupying a nation with significant oil reserves, would show the world – especially the up-and-coming consuming nations of China and India – that in the event that push comes to shove, and this resource gets scarce, Americans come first.

To some peak oil may have the stink of a conspiracy theory. The end of cheap oil, however, is inevitable. The only questions are when the peak will occur and how (or if) we will adjust. I don't claim to know how things will play out and I'm not advocating you stock up for the apocalypse. It is important, however, to remember that the impending energy shortage colours politics, business and war and it is certain to effect you personally in the near future.

Seriously, folks

The line separating concerned citizens of the world from medicated conspiracy nuts is a fine one indeed. Still, we each have a duty to step up to that line. 'What Barry Says' (large file, QuickTime required) may have crossed it, but it is an effective starting point for those interested in discovering the common motivation behind the Iraq war, abandonment of the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, the missile defence shield and America's support for Saudi Arabia and Israel. It's all part of the Project for the New American Century (also see the Wikipedia), a plan forged by those who occupy the highest echelons of power in the current U.S. administration -- Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and even Jeb Bush. The plan is based on the following fundamental propositions:

• American leadership is good both for America and for the world.
• Such leadership requires military strength, diplomatic energy and commitment to moral principle.
• Too few political leaders today are making the case for global leadership.

The Project makes no effort to mask its agenda of complete American military and economic dominance. The group outlines a policy of military strength and "moral clarity" which includes:

...preserving and extending an international order friendly to U.S. security, prosperity and principles.

Take some time to educate yourself with respect to The Project and, if you're at all inclined to involve yourself in the affairs of the world, take The Project seriously -- it colours everything America does.

The impetus for The Project is not the cliched lust for money and power that we generally attribute to politicians. No, The Project was born out of desperation and need.

I'll continue this journey down the rabbit hole in my next entry. I've got to break things up a bit. I'm still unsure of the direction I want this blog to take. Lowbrow comedy and pictures of giant cocks, a glimpse into the all-too-mundane life of a 24-year-old law student or serious political analysis. Or a combination of the above. Please let me know what you think, why you come here and what you expect to find when you visit. I'll warn you now that I'm likely to ignore any and all suggestions and just write what I damn well please.

You may all care that I'm less out of shape today than I was yesterday. I went for a run this afternoon and did not black out and wake up in a ditch with no pants on. It may be a slow start on the road towards good cardiovascular health, but it's a start nonetheless. I really could not care less about my arteries, to be honest with you. I'm doing all of this for washboard abs. Men's Health tells me it will only take 7 days. In all seriousness, my goal is to make it down to 155 lbs (that's 70 kg for our friends across the pond). I'll keep you updated.

Here's an update: Canadian music does not have to suck and Matt Pond PA is the proof. A sample -- and another (MP3). "This Is Montreal" is the hook and can be sampled at Amazon, but to hear the whole thing you'll have to buy the album.

That about wraps things up. I really enjoy reading your comments and don't forget to rate this blog (see "Rate This Blog" in the sidebar to your right). Two of my friends from the U.S. will be visiting this weekend so my next entry will be Monday. Visit us then to learn more about The Project for the New American Century, to find out how a new month could solve the world's problems and for guaranteed entertainment (this is not a guarantee).

Dry, Shy Comedy

I was gonna stay over night at my friend's house, he said you’re gonna have to sleep on the floor... damm gravity! Got me again.

That'd be cool if you were a drummer and you accidentally grabbed two magic wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat, next thing you know your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I like rice. Rice is good when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

This is just a sampling of the comedy of one Mr. Mitch Hedberg. You have to hear the delivery to appreciate his genius. “We don't need to bring ink and paper into this” (MP3). I found out yesterday that he passed away in April and the cause was heart failure (read: drugs). On the internet, tributes abound (RealPlayer or Windows Media Player required).

I am severely out of shape, by the way. The Centers for Disease Control seem to agree. If you're in the same city as me and you want to run, I suggest you give me a call. Otherwise, you're paying for the crane rental when they need to knock down the walls of my house in order to place me in my custom oversize casket. I've got my eye on the 'Harvest' line.

Making Introductions

In fitting with my habit of jumping on every bandwagon I can, I've decided to start a blog. I've known about blogging since it's inception, but I never really felt like I had anything to write about. Then I started reading other people's blogs and I realized that it's probably enough to just write about my life and the things happening around me. After all, I am infinitely interesting, no?

Starting so late, however, you all did miss out on some extraordinary 'tales of interest' -- specifically, the adventure that was my first year of law school. If you want to get a feel for what it was like, visit Slide-Up and start to read the entries beginning in September. By the time you reach April's entries you'll have earned an honorary L.L.B. and be able to successfully market yourself to Bay St. firms. Solid.

Speaking of Doughbots, I want to be friends with QRIO (Flash required) the robot -- the perfect replacement for the tedium of human-human interaction. The little bastard is so cute, he's well placed to replace children as biology's next 'killer-app'. The robot is truly a marvel of engineering, but he's not the best conversationalist (RealPlayer required). I swear the thing is on drugs.

I got drunk last Friday for the first time in four months. Not to the point where I was sick, but definitely to the point where I thought I had superpowers (including the ability to rapidly grow my fingernails). Luckily, we were upstairs and the dance floor was downstairs, so there was little opportunity to embarrass myself (Windows Media Player required). Now that summer has arrived, I hope to go out and get drunk more often. I didn't give myself many opportunities to let loose this school year and my social life suffered as a result (by "social" I mean "sex" and by "suffered" I mean failed to exist).

You may not know this, but anime is many orders of magnitude superior to traditional western cartoons. Where else but Japan could one turn on the television and enjoy the adventures of a superhero who feeds the malnourished by breaking off pieces of his own jam-filled head. "Eat my face." Then there's Doraemon the cat-like robot. His pouch occupies four dimensions! I think you'll find that no other cat-like robot is as cuddly or optimistic as this one. It's all part of his charm!

This concludes my first-ever blog entry. There will likely be more. If you visit and manage to make it through my prose, then please post a comment. If you just visit, read and then levae, then you're essentially getting something for nothing. That's called stealing. You don't want me to call the Department of Homeland Security, do you?